I went to an awesome party with lots of great people last night.
And I had a really fun time helping my primary achieve some major fantasies of hers. I have some fun bite marks to prove it, even.
But I came to the party really excited to meet new people and play with someone(s). And I did meet people, as per the usual. And as per the usual, I did not play. I’m realizing I’m just really bad at asking people for what I want.
Maybe out of fear of rejection? But in a setting like that, even a rejection will be respectful and light because I’m not going to be a douche in how I approach someone.
And. It’s not even necessarily an issue of asking someone at a party. I think my inability to really clearly answer the “what do you like?” question easily to a play partner (especially if being dominated) points to a bigger issue of knowing what I definitely want and being a good advocate for those desires.
What did I want?
Asking myself this, I came into the weekend very much looking forward to playing with one or multiple people. Having only hosted a party before, I didn’t feel super comfortable to play there due to hosting duties. But in this case, I shouldn’t have any of that.
Early on in the evening, I wanted all sorts of things. I came into the weekend with the idea in mind that I had not fisted anyone in quite some time and wanted to rectify that. I wanted to eat someone out, I wanted to maybe even fuck them. I wanted to flog or paddle them. I wanted to try some fun toys on them.
As the evening went on and I fucked and flogged my primary, my interests shifted. I still really wanted to fist someone but I was just dying to eat some pussy. And I really had some opportunities and people I could have asked. But I didn’t.
Some of it was legitimately bad timing. But I also erred on the side of approaching it like someone far less experienced than myself should approach it. Instead of saying hey, I would really like to play with you but I’m going to have to jump in and make this a threesome in a minute here, I shut down, stopped talking, and she even mentioned she was going to wander, possibly as an open invite. But I had closed any interaction opportunities.
I honestly feel quite bad about this. It totally would have been kosher to ask that of her. And I really know better that it is okay to ask these things.
Similarly, my partner and I met someone at a recent party and we found out each other was open. There was some attraction there but I had settled on just waiting it out until the next time bumping into each other to broach anything. But, she messaged me and asked if I/we were interested in her. I said oh totally, I didn’t realize you were interested or that I could just have asked.
I’m not doing myself any favors by not advocating for myself and my desires. And nobody is going to read my mind. Or make things happen for me. Especially being so lucky to be surrounded by some really awesome sex positive people, it’s silly for me to not ask!
Up next: a working list of things I know I want.