Dungeon Play Hesitance

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I’m beginning to realize I have a difficulty as a member of a local dungeon.
I enjoy going there and hanging out, meeting people, watching scenes. And have even been approached by some people to do a scene but have never really done it.

Sure, I’m shy, but this isn’t at all the entire reason.
My play is pretty sexual, especially when I’m domming. Being someone who tops by controlling pleasure and release more than just dishing out pain or interesting edgeplay, it seems a little less straight forward how to broach that. Especially if we’re talking about someone I just met that night and got along with or have seen at the club a few times.

Yes, people have sex there sometimes. I’m not even saying it has to be PIV sex. But genitals will be touched and/or stimulated. I’m not sure yet how to really broach that with someone I met that recently at the club. And I always err on the side of caution out of respect to ensure the person doesn’t think I’m just looking for a piece of meat.

So yeah, this seems tricky. Any advice? Am I stressing about it too much?

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Craigslist Ventures (and a thank you)

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I’m not sure how you folks that get fantastic responses to your ads on Craigslist do it…

Historically, I’ve had nothing but trouble in getting anything other than spam responses. Though, to be fair, that’s mostly from posting in the nsa section. But, following my Friends with Benefits post, I decided to make a post in the m4w section on Craigslist.

Weeks passed. Nothing.

Then I got an interesting message from a trans guy. Seemed nice, but we didn’t seem to have much in common.

The second message I got was from someone who, it turned out, I had met a few times before at a munch years ago! We ended up laughing about it and catching up (SMALL WORLD!)

The third came today. I’m just touched by this and really appreciate you reaching out and taking the time to send this message, Z.

Hey there,

I’m a dude(-ish, most of the time), so obviously not what you’re looking for, but just wanted to send some major props your way for the being so open with your thoughts about sexuality and gender. I’ve never read a post in the m4w section where a guy’s mentioned that they think of sexuality/gender as a spectrum, let alone admitted that they like women that might not fit completely at the feminine extreme of the spectrum, so it made me smile to know that there are progressive guys like you out who are okay with putting those things out there. Add that to the being open to all shapes/sizes, and I’m just blown away.
I really, really hope you find someone who matches your awesomeness. Keep being awesome and do what you do!
-Z
So, I may not have mastered the art of the Craigslist ad yet but I very much appreciate the getting unique messages so far…

A Lovely Pet

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I haven’t made many new connections since becoming single. Okay, aside from friendships, I haven’t made any new partners I didn’t already know. The few dates I’ve had with new people have been fun but for various reasons haven’t panned out.

Except one. Well, technically not a new person. We were friends already, but in a very different capacity. Her relationship dynamic with her primary is complex but sounds lovely. The interest she expressed in me was exciting but at the same time, made me nervous to not step on any toes. I proceeded with caution…

Suffice to say it was THE right choice because it led to three fantastic nights.

She identifies most closely with the pet role. She is submissive but loves to please and is amazing at it. And so generous with her praise personally and thanks for what she receives. It was really quite humbling but also made me realize that I really do have some experience under my belt and sometimes, being humble only holds you back from getting what you want!

It’s a change because I’m definitely used to having to feel restrained in what I ask for and seek out. And sticking to a specific relationship style. But this time (being single), I know far more and am developed emotionally that I know I’m not looking to jump right into another monogamous or semi-monogamous pairing. I’m actually, actively looking to be in new types of connections/relationships/etc. It feels so right to just go with whatever works and feels natural in different situations depending on each specific person…

She is back with her partner now. I hear things are going well (which gave me a big smile) and I hope they only get better, simpler, and more fun. It may be awhile but I’ll be waiting patiently for what happens next…

Why I Ditched Tumblr for Wordpress

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So Yahoo bought tumblr recently. And boy howdy did that bring some trouble with it..

After promising they wouldn’t touch all of the adult content on tumblr and people would be free to continue posting all the sexy things they wanted, the other shoe dropped. Tumblr started filtering all of the porn AND adult (mature topics but not porn) blogs out of their searches. To make it even worse, they tweaked the robots.txt (a file that tells what search engines can index) to not let any of these blogs be indexed by search engines either!

After a few weeks of outrage, Yahoo backtracked on their decision. But the damage was done. I’m not sure if I read it somewhere or heard it on the This Week in Tech (TWiT) podcast, but tumblr traffic is on a steady decline since the Yahoo purchase. People don’t trust them anymore.

Well, and let’s face it, aside from just re-sharing other people’s stuff, it’s a pretty piss poor blogging platform.

Now where’s my stats page? :3

FRIENDS with benefits

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So this started as a discussion with a friend yesterday and came up with another today. We’re all very frustrated with the bastardization of the term “friends with benefits”.

To me, the term evokes a friendship where you are actually friends, you talk, you hang out, you go places, grab food and drinks, etc. And oh yeah, sometimes you have fun and fuck. But the relationship revolves around a friendship and the fucking is just an occasional icing on the cake.

HOWEVER. It has been abused by people who use it interchangably with “fuck buddies” and “booty calls”. The problem is, fuck buddies, they may get along, but their relationship purely revolves around fucking. This is fine for certain circumstances, but is NOT friends with benefits and should not be treated as such. And booty calls gets into a depth of possibly one-sided and weird emotional or abusive crap that could be a note on its own.

But please people, can we have some honesty about what we call our arrangements? If you’re just hooking up, great, have fun, but don’t call it friends with benefits.

I, on the other hand, will seek people who understand the proper meaning of FRIENDS with benefits and see that as a positive and enjoyable arrangement.

The campsite rule

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Dan Savage has coined this to mean if you are in a relationship with an age disparity, to mean you (the elder) should leave the younger person better than you found them.
But I don’t see why this shouldn’t be applicable for all relationships! There doesn’t have to be an age disparity for a partner to be able to learn and grow from experiences with the other. And I think it takes awhile after the pain of a breakup to see this. But if the person does see it, it can many times open the door a crack for a possible friendship.

So, let’s expand the campsite rule to all relationships.